The Bunny Dilemma and Other Tales
by Mournful Wolf
Summary: The Cullens argue over a fat white bunny. Carlisle steals Esme's underwear. Alice plays a prank. Emmett sings Death Note...and more silly Cullen stories yet to come!
1. The Bunny Dilemma

**The Bunny Dilemma **

**By Mournful Wolf**

The Cullen family was off hunting in the Olympian Range as usual. They stuck close to the dense undergrowth and away from public attention. They split up by fours (1st group: Carlisle, Esme, Edward and Bella) (2nd group: Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice) in search of potential predatory meals.

Bella unintentionally stumbled into a grizzly bear's cave, and she ran out screaming like a bat out of hell. Carlisle and Edward reached the spot on time to save Bella from being torn to shreds and they easily finished off the huge, lumbering bear.  
As the group feasted on their lucky catch in the pine grove, Bella headed out to the clearing to wait for them to finish.

A few minutes later Edward, Carlisle and Esme reunited with Bella in the meadows.

"Yummy. That bear was nice and juicy and fat." Edward smacked his lips.

"It has a lot of hair though." Carlisle wrinkled his nose. "They get stuck in my teeth a lot."

"Well, we're lucky to catch it when it just got out from its hibernating season." Esme pointed out. "We have Bella to thank for that."

Though Esme was very sincere and didn't have a hint of teasing in her voice, Bella still blushed in embarrassment.

Now that they were fully satisfied from their meal, the group was making their way to the lake to relax. They treaded slowly and carefully, human-paced, on the steep drop of the ford so that they can watch over the clumsy-footed Bella.  
Suddenly there was an eruption of noise and clamor coming from a few yards away.  
It was so loud, even Bella could hear it.

"WHOA, LOOK AT THAT GINORMOUS GARTANTUAN BUNNY!" Came the booming exclamation of Emmett.

"CAN'T…RESIST…TEMPTATION…I WANT IT!" Jasper tore after the large white bobbing shape.

"HEY, BUNNY! BE A GOOD BOY AND COME BACK TO JAZZY!"

"OH NO YOU DON'T, JASPER! I'M GETTING IT FIRST!"

"Guys, wait!" Alice ran after the boys, attempting to catch up.

Rosalie followed behind much more slowly, and she rolled her eyes when she saw Jasper and Emmett in mad pursuit of the bounding white rabbit.  
For all its bulk, the rabbit was surprisingly quick and agile.

Back at the ford, Carlisle sighed.

"Let's go see what the boys are up to."

The 1st Cullen group caught up with Rosalie and Alice, who were off to the side of the huge meadow where the chaos was happening.

As Emmett and Jasper chased the rabbit doggedly, all the noise that they were making startled a herd of deer nearby. Hearing the insane hollering and tree-crashing, the herd fled in fear.

Emmett hollered so loud that the birds were chased out from their trees.

Esme, Edward and Bella gaped in shock. Carlisle, however, still managed to keep his cool. But he put a hand to his forehead and shook his head.  
Then the unexpected happened:

Carlisle, the most levelheaded member of the entire Cullen clan, grew angry.

"BOYS! GET YOUR BIG BUTTS OVER HERE NOW!!"

The girls winced and clapped their hands over their ears. Emmett and Jasper caught the rabbit at the same time, and were in the middle of a tug-of-war. The poor bunny looked like its appendages were going to get ripped out of its sockets.  
At Carlisle's uncharacteristic bellow, the boys froze and stared at Carlisle with their jaws dropped open. Immediately they rushed over to be with the other Cullens. But they didn't let go of the rabbit. It hung between Emmett and Jasper like a rotisserie chicken over a fire.

Carlisle's expression was calm again. But his voice came out tight and stern.

"Emmett and Jasper. Do you have any idea what you could have done? With all your ridiculous noise someone most likely could have spotted us! And that's the last thing any of us would want! Now…what is so important about this rabbit?"

"Carlisle, isn't it the fattest, tastiest, mouth-watering bunny you've ever seen?"

Carlisle stared at its plump white-furred body for quite some time.

"Well…yes."

"Yeah, it looks delicious." Edward stared at it hungrily.

"It's so fat it _wants_ to be eaten!" Jasper exclaimed. "Look at its face! The law of the wild (Eat or be Eaten) is crying out to us!"

The bunny looked up with wide, pleading eyes and its bottom lip seemed to stick outward in a pout.

"Yeah, let's kill it! Kill, kill, kill!" cried out Emmett.

"NO!" All the Cullen girls and Bella cried out shrilly.

"Let's keep it!" said Alice.

"Yes, let's!" said Esme. "It could be a family pet!"

"And it's so cute, too. The button nose and big goo-goo eyes are simply irresistible!" said Rosalie.

"No! It must be killed!" The boys yelled.

"Uh-uh! No way in hell!" The girls yelled back.

Soon the Cullens were starting up a fight, and causing a ruckus once more.

"BE QUIET! ALL OF YOU!"

This was the second time Carlisle got angry. The family instantly quieted down and sheepishly avoided making eye contact.

"Let's settle this diplomatically, if this bunny is so important to you. Raise your hand if you want to eat the bunny."

Emmett, Jasper and Edward raised their hands high up.

"Okay, raise your hand if you want to keep the bunny."

Alice, Esme, Rosalie and Bella raised their hands at the second option.

"Bella, you don't count. You're not a vampire."

Bella slightly pouted and put down her hand.

Carlisle sighed. "Okay, since both options received a 3; we'll call it a draw. That is, unless if I break that draw."

The rest of the Cullens waited hopefully as Carlisle paused to make his decision.  
He took the rabbit from the boys and held it up to his face thoughtfully. His vote mattered more than any majority.

"I have decided. You will neither eat or keep the bunny."

"WHAT!?" All of the Cullens cry out in disbelief.

"Instead, we're _letting go_ of it."

Carlisle set the rabbit back down on the ground. It fled into the undergrowth without looking back.

"Carlisle!" Edward moaned. "I know you're wise and smart and all…but how could you let go of such an opportunity!?"

The leader of the Cullens turned to his family and shrugged.

"Its pudgy little face was so cute; I couldn't bear to imagine you gulping it down. Of course, even though it's so cute, I don't want to keep it. It might crap all over the house."

Carlisle turned and walked in the direction of their house.

"Come on, it's getting late. Let's go home."

The dismayed family trudged behind him. Maybe opportunity will come knocking again. Maybe not; every adventure the Cullens go through are never the same.

**What do you think?  
After reading this story, it is recommended that you click on the pretty little button next to "Submit Review."**


	2. Panties

**Due to many requests, I've decided to extend this into a collection of silly stories brought to you by the Cullens.**

**All characters are owned by Stephanie Meyer the Great!**

**Tale Number 2: Panties**

It was the beginning of Christmas holidays, and the Cullens gladly took this opportunity to relax at home.

Rosalie, Emmett, Edward, Bella and their bundle of joy, Renesmee, were watching Charlie Brown on tv.

Alice towed Jasper along with her to go Christmas shopping.

Esme was in the middle of taking a shower, and Carlisle was lurking somewhere in his office.

The tv watching went relatively well. That is, until Rosalie and Emmett started making out on the couch. A sickening wooden crunch could be heard when Emmett grasped the armrest.

"Guys, please!" Edward groaned and smacked a hand to his face. "Not in front of my kid!"

"Look Mommy, the couch is bending in a weird way!" Renesmee giggled. Bella quickly put a hand over her daughter's eyes.

"Look away, Nessie. You don't want to see that."

"Rosalie! Emmett! Do you want to have Esme pissed at you?"

Immediately the couple pushed themselves away from each other and exchanged a wide-eyed glance. It's been many a decade since they've seen their mother blow her top. A nuclear bomb in Hiroshima couldn't possibly compare to Esme's temper. Yes, it can be that bad.

Right at that moment Esme came out of the bathroom door and peered over the balcony. She had a towel wrapped around her pale body, and her dark, caramel hair clung to her shoulders from the wetness.

"I know this a strange question to ask, but has anyone seen my underwear? I had my clothes outside the bathroom, but now they're gone."

A chorus of "nope" replied back to her. Esme sighed and turned to look in her bedroom. She came back at the balcony, looking a little irritated.

"What's wrong, Esme?" Edward asked.

"My underwear drawer is completely empty! Who would have the nerve to steal from my room!?"

Everyone in the tv room froze in utter horror. There's only one other person who could have access to Esme's room, and that was…

"I have a pretty good idea who done it." Esme marched over to Carlisle's office with narrow eyes.

She opened the door.

And found her husband obsessively stretching a pair of white lacy panties. Carlisle was so involved that he didn't notice his wife fuming at the door.

"CARLISLE CULLEN!!"

Carlisle fell out of his leather chair in shock. He quickly hid the underwear behind his desk. "Uh…h-hello Esme…" he stuttered.

"Don't 'h-hello' me, Carlisle! I'm not stupid! Was that _my_ panties in _your_ hands!?"

Carlisle's mouth moved like he was about to say something, but it just moved up and down like a gasping fish.

"And let me guess, you've got all my underwear stored somewhere in your drawers, right!?"

"B-but, last night's hospital shift got me all whacked up…"

"I don't care!"

"And this morning I had tons of house calls of sick people over the holidays. I never have time to relax!"

"I don't care about that, either!"

"And I was bored…" Carlisle finished lamely.

"Whatever, Carlisle! You suck at making excuses!"

Downstairs, everyone listened to the conversation with amusement. Bella didn't even bother to cover Renesmee's ears. Emmett tried his very best not to guffaw out loud.

Then Esme uttered a truly fearsome snarl that could make Carlisle wet his pants, if that were physically possible.

"You. Stole. My. Panties. You. Will. Die." She growled.

Carlisle meekly shook the white lacy panties in the air.

"Can I at least keep this one? It's my favorite…"

"NEVER! NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU TOUCH MY UNDERWEAR!"

Everyone burst into uncontrollable laughter as Carlisle hurtled out the door screaming, with the towel-clad Esme tearing after him in hot pursuit.

In her hand was an antique baseball bat that was usually displayed in Carlisle's office.

"Esme could put Babe Ruth to shame." Edward chortled.

THWACK! THWACK!

"And she scooores!" Emmett whooped.

"Can I write this for my kindergarten holiday journal, Mommy?"

Bella winced as Esme brought down the baseball bat onto Carlisle's head once more. "Better not, honey."

**Hope you guys enjoyed it. Merry Christmas, everybody!**


	3. A Cullen Christmas Story

**Tale Number 3: A Cullen Christmas Story**

**_This chapter is told in Alice's point of view._  
**

**-Christmas Eve—December 25, 2008-**

"Okay guys, time to open the presents I got you! Open them! Open them!" I hopped up and down in excitement.

Jasper and I just got back from Christmas shopping. We spent hours hand-picking gifts for every member in the family.

While I came through the door with beaming excitement, Jasper looked rather exhausted.

I guess I'll let him open his present later.(When I went to the store to get Jasper's gift, he insisted on coming along with me, so I had to blindfold him.)

"Whoa! A 39 inch teddy bear! Thanks Alice!" Emmett hugged the giant plushie to his broad chest.

"I got two jackets from Lacoste! Just what I've always wanted!" Rosalie said.

"Auntie Alice got me a paper doll set!" Renesmee squealed in delight.

By now, everyone had unwrapped and admired their presents.

"Carlisle, what's wrong? Don't you like it?"

All the Cullens turned to the doctor where he was sitting right next to the Christmas tree. He was holding up a nicely made gray tanktop, and he simply stared at it.

He had a "Jasper-in-pain" expression plastered to his face.

"Turn it around, Carlisle. Does it say something?" Bella asked.

Slowly, reluctantly, Carlisle turned the tanktop around.

On the front was a message in bold, capital letters woven in red fabric:

"I'M A WEINER FROM THE CITY MORGUE."

Every Cullen rocked back in hysterical laughter. Little Renesmee nearly fell out of Bella's lap with tears in her eyes.

"I remember that like it was yesterday!" Even Esme couldn't control her mirth.

I grinned widely as I recalled those hilarious memories…

**-March 7, 2008-**

I was ditching school with Jasper and Edward again. It feels good to stay at home once in a while. Carlisle's not so lucky, though.

He seemed to be in a rush as he struggled to put on his lab coat and hobbled down the stairs at the same time.

As soon as he was down he grabbed his doctor's bag and ran out the door shouting:

"ByeJasperbyeEdwardbyeAlicebyeEsme!"

Esme, who was baking cookies, peered suspiciously after Carlisle's Mercedes.

It tore down the street and nearly overran a stop sign.

"Grandpa forgot to say bye to me." Renesmee pouted.

"Carlisle's unusually hasty today." Edward casually commented as he flicked through our Comcast TV's 1000 channels and finally stopped on Nickelodeon.

Edward groaned as he hammered at the remote. "Oh no! I'm stuck on one channel! What could possibly be worse?"

The TV blared: "And now...it is time for the Spongebob Premiere Marathon Week!"

"Aaaaaargh!"

Edward was so over the roof, not even Jasper could calm him down.  
"Man, I really wanted to watch that NBA game today. That's the only reason why I wanted to stay home."

"You can go over to Jacob's house and watch it from there." I piped up.

"Never mind. I'll be up in my room."

Edward dejectedly trudged up the stairs and into his room. A few minutes later the house seemed to vibrate with Linkin Park music.

Jasper sighed and rolled his eyes. "When Edward's depressed, he's always listening to Linkin Park."

I winced and shuddered when I remembered the days of the family leaving Bella and Forks. I'm telling you, for the past 3 months the song Numb got stuck to my brain.

I abruptly rose from the couch and left Jasper to watch Spongebob. "I'm bored. I'm going to see if I can entertain Carlisle today."  
Jasper didn't take his eyes off the TV. Clearly he's very fascinated at the sight of Spongebob and Patrick driving a Krabby Patty car.

"Okay. Do whatever."

That's my boy.

I grinned evilly as I made my way up to my room. I grabbed my cell phone and flung myself on a pink beanbag. I dialed Carlisle's number and I waited to make my move.

I heard a shuffling sound on the phone, and then a "Hello? Forks Hospital..."

I tried my best to impersonate the annoying advertising guy from the Sterling McCall commercials.

"Hellooo! This is Ima Weina from the Forks city morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

Carlisle didn't answer for a long time.

"Um...who is this?"

"Ima Weina, good sir!"

"I'm a weiner?"

"That's right! From the city morgue!"

"From the city morgue?"

I had to clutch my stomach to keep from laughing. From the hospital, the other people would only hear "I'm a weiner from the city morgue."

"How did those annoying ad people reach my hospital number…?" I heard him mutter.

With that, Carlisle hung up. I hope that he didn't know it was me. Then again, it'd be nice to see his reaction when he gets home.

**5 hours and 10 Spongebob episodes later...**

"Esme, I'm home."

"Hello Carlisle. Anything new?"

I was on the couch with Jasper, looking at the TV so that Carlisle wouldn't notice me.

I pretended to look engrossed at the fish screaming "CHOOOCLAAAATEE" at Spongebob and Patrick. I have to say, that episode never gets old.

"Well...some weird Ima Weina person called me during the afternoon..."

It was the doofus Emmett that blew my cover.  
He made an obnoxious snort and said in an equally obnoxious voice:

"Nice job Alice!"

It took a full two seconds for the realization to sink into Carlisle. Then he slapped his hand into his face.

His voice came out muffled: "That's it, Alice. No more shopping for half a year."

**-Back to the present-**

"By the way Alice, I've got something for you too."

"Oh?"

Alice unwrapped Carlisle's present, and she held up a petite shirt that said:

"I DRIVE MY FATHER BANANAS."

Carlisle couldn't help but smile at his incorrigible daughter.

"No matter how humiliating and degrading this tanktop may be, I'll wear this as much as I can--just for you."

"Same here." Alice grinned.

Everyone "aaaawed" when father and daughter embraced each other. That Christmas night, both Carlisle and Alice wore their shirts with pride.

Long live the power and spirit of Christmas!


	4. Emmett and the anime Death Note

**Tale Number 4: Emmett and the anime Death Note**

_**Note: Make sure you watch the real, full version of 'What's Up People?' On YouTube before you read this story. It's going to be funnier that way, trust me. (winks)**_

It would've been a boring, dreary day-off if it weren't for Alice, the family's party animal.  
When she saw everyone just lying around doing nothing in the morning, she came up with a wild suggestion.

"Come on guys! Let's have a rock star party!"

"Um, what?" Recently Emmett's been hard of hearing. (I know this can never be physically possible for a vampire, but stay with me, okay?)

He turned to Rosalie, who just came in the house from the back door.

"Hey babe, do you need to go hunting some more? You still look pretty black in the eyes to me."

"I don't feel that thirsty today, Emmett. I'm full."

"What?"

Rosalie repeated a little louder: "I'm full!"

"What!? Talk louder, woman!"

Rosalie rubbed a hand over her stomach to emphasize her words.

"I. Am. Full!"

"YOU'RE PREGNANT!?"

"NO, YOU DUMBBUTT!" Rosalie was screaming at the top of her lungs now. She walked up to Emmett and pulled his ear close to her mouth.

"I DON'T WANT TO HUNT ANYMORE!"

"Sheesh lady, why didn't you say so?"

Jasper and Edward sniggered from upstairs. Alice sighed impatiently.

"Guys! I'm trying to talk here!"

Emmett and Rosalie turned to their petite sister who was barely as tall as the sofa.

"Yes Alice?"

"As I was saying, why don't we have a party where all of us could sing songs?"

"That sounds cool! We can call it a Cullen concert!" Emmett said.

"Edward! Jasper! Bella! Carlisle! Esme! Alice wants to have a rock star party!" Rosalie called.

"We get to sing and dance?" Jasper looked rather excited.

"Yup! Let me get ready!" In an incredibly short time, Alice had a makeshift stage, microphones, state-of-the-art stereos and a massive collection of CDs all ready to use.

"I want to go first! I want to go first! I've got an awesome song to sing!" Emmett dashed up the stage and snatched up a microphone.  
Then he pulled out a soundtrack disc and stuck in the radio.

"Death Note? You're into that stuff? Edward asked.

"What's Death Note?" Carlisle cocked his head in confusion.

"It's this totally awesome anime that are about gods of death, apples, and of course, a Death Note." Emmett explained.

"Why don't you ever tell me of your ever-changing interests?" Rosalie asked.

"I thought that you would think I'm weird." Emmett said sheepishly.

Then he cleared his throat.

"Anyways…Ladies and gentlemen! I present to you my misheard version of the Death Note opening: 'What's Up People?'!" (_See note at the top_)

Edward, who is a fan of classical music as well as metal, beamed. "Ooh, I love that song!"

Everyone else took a seat.

"This ought to be interesting." Bella remarked.

Heavy metal and rock music ensued. Emmett's voice drowned out the singer's as he recited his misheard lyrics:

"_We've always planned this to free all this paint…_

_We've always planned this to free all this paint…_

_POOOOOOOOOORRN!_

_GET POOOOOORRRN!_

_Many pendulums, many pendulums, many pendulums in England. (2x)_

_Well there's many clocks, got many many clocks, got many many clocks in England (2x)_."

"That is true, you know." Carlisle remarked to Edward.

Emmett continued his hollering.

"_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_We're gonna need a diet now._

_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_Vitamins I got, vitamins I got I'm from England. (2x)_

_Many pendulums, many pendulums, many pendulums in England. (2x)_

_Well there's many clocks, got many many clocks, got many many clocks in England (2x)_

_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_We're gonna need a diet now._

_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_Hey hey ningen (human) sucker, ah ningen ningen f---er (5x)_

_With 4 wheels_

_It's more safe!_

_It's got friction!_

_PEEL ME OFF IF I DIE!_

_THAT GUY WAS SCROLLING MY BALLS!_

(Esme put a hand to her mouth at this.)

_SINCE I GUARDED WARNING!_

_INSIDE WAS SOLID LIKE A GLOVE!_

_Many pendulums, many pendulums, many pendulums in England. (2x)_

_Well there's many clocks, got many many clocks, got many many clocks in England (2x)_

_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_We're gonna need a diet now._

_Want some!? Feels like pie, home security, want some feels like pie!_

_Hey hey ningen (human) sucker, ah ningen ningen f---er (5x)_

_WATERMELON!_

_Sound of the soccer, play soccer!_

_HEY GUY GETTING ME A SODA, WELL YOU NEVER LIVED FAR!_

_Out, to kill, zig-zag no kitty cat_

_Time, to kill, zig-zag on cats!_

_Hey hey ningen (human) sucker, ah ningen ningen f---er (5x)_

_WHAT'S UP BEBO!? WHAT'S UP BEBO!? WHAT'S UP BEBO!?_"

Emmett was leaping and hurling himself across the stage as he screamed into the microphone. Everyone pushed their chairs farther back to avoid harm.

"_F---! SORRY ABOUT THE BROKEN GLASS!_

_AND THE TOILET AS WELL! WHOO!_

_WE'RE IN TROUBLE! (cough)_"

After the final note of the song, there was a long, awkward silence. Emmett regained his composure and brushed his fingers through his messed-up hair.

"So guys…what do you think?"

"I think I'm the one hard of hearing now." Alice stared into empty space with eyes wide open.

"That was a waste of 4 minutes of my life." Jasper muttered.

"Emmett, it'd be good if you could take a break from the spotlight right now." Esme tried to keep her tone polite and in control.

Carlisle, who was closest to the speakers, simply sat in his seat with his right eye involuntarily twitching.

"Now I think you're weird." Rosalie finally said.

**As always, hope you guys liked it. This chapter was specially dedicated to Death Note fans! :D**


End file.
